My Child Refuses to Go to School. What Should I Do?

If your child is refusing to go to school, you are probably feeling a mixture of worry, frustration and helplessness. School refusal can escalate quickly, and the longer it continues the harder it can become to resolve.

This post explains why children and young people refuse school, what is usually driving it, and what you can do to help.

Is This Just Bad Behaviour?

This is often one of the first questions parents ask, and it is worth addressing directly. School refusal is very different from truancy. A child who is truanting is typically avoiding school without their parents' knowledge, and does not show significant distress at the prospect of attending. A child who is refusing school is usually doing so openly, with significant emotional distress, and despite their parents' best efforts to get them there.

School refusal is almost always driven by an underlying emotional or psychological difficulty rather than a deliberate choice to avoid school. Understanding what is driving it is the most important first step.

What Causes School Refusal?

School refusal is rarely about school itself. It is usually a symptom of an underlying condition that makes attending school feel overwhelming or impossible. The most common underlying causes include:

Anxiety

Generalised anxiety, social anxiety and separation anxiety are among the most frequent drivers of school refusal. A young person with anxiety may find the social demands of school, the pressure of academic performance, or simply the prospect of leaving home unbearable.

Depression

Low mood, fatigue and a loss of interest in everyday activities can make the prospect of attending school feel impossible. School refusal driven by depression may develop gradually, with attendance becoming increasingly patchy before stopping altogether.

A Specific Incident

Bullying, a difficult experience with a peer or teacher, or a humiliating social situation can trigger school refusal even in young people who have previously attended without difficulty.

Separation Anxiety

For younger children in particular, separation anxiety can be a primary driver of school refusal. The distress is about leaving home and the caregiver rather than about school itself, and can be intense and difficult to manage even with significant parental support.

Why Does It Escalate?

One of the most important things to understand about school refusal is why it tends to worsen the longer it continues. Each day of absence makes returning feel more daunting. Your child falls behind academically, becomes increasingly disconnected from their peers, and the prospect of walking back into school after a prolonged absence can feel overwhelming. The anxiety around returning can become greater than the anxiety that originally drove the refusal.



This is why it is important to act sooner rather than later. The longer school refusal is left unaddressed, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it is to resolve..

What Can You Do?

Talk to the school

Make sure the school is aware of the situation and that they understand school refusal is driven by anxiety or distress rather than deliberate avoidance. Ask what support they can put in place, and whether any adjustments can be made to reduce the pressure on your child.

Avoid long term avoidance

While it may feel like the kindest thing to do, allowing your child to stay home indefinitely without addressing the underlying difficulties makes returning to school harder over time. Where possible, maintain some school attendance or engagement, even if reduced.

Consider therapy

If your child's school refusal is driven by anxiety, depression or another underlying condition, therapy can address the root cause rather than just the symptom. A specialist therapist who works with children and young people can begin treatment relatively quickly, without the waiting times associated with CAMHS.

At Sulis Therapies

At Sulis Therapies, we work with many young people experiencing school refusal, addressing the underlying anxiety, depression or other difficulties that are driving it. We offer specialist CBT and EMDR delivered online across the UK. Get in touch to arrange a free initial consultation and find out how we can help.